Blended


These two hate each other so much you know they're going to wind up together.

These two hate each other so much you know they’re going to wind up together.

(2014) Comedy (Warner Brothers) Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Joel McHale, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Terry Crews, Kevin Nealon, Emma Fuhrmann, Bella Thorne, Braxton Beckham, Alyvla Alyn Lind, Abdoulaye NGom, Kyle Red Silverstein, Zak Henri, Jessica Lowe, Shaquille O’Neal, Dan Patrick, Jackie Sandler, Alexis Arquette, Josette Eales. Directed by Frank Coraci

As a young boy, the maxim “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” was hammered into me by my parents, my teachers and whichever adults happened to be handy. Personally, I wonder if they would have been quite as fervent about it if they had seen this movie.

Despite my upbringing, I am a film critic and sometimes it becomes necessary to discuss a movie that you literally can’t say anything nice about. I had some decent expectations about this movie to begin with – after all, Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore have had great chemistry in  the past (particularly in The Wedding Singer) and the director from that film is on board for this one. What could go wrong?

As it turns out, everything. The plot is a mish-mash of unlikely coincidences and rom-com cliches guaranteed to knock your IQ points down a couple after you’ve seen the movie. The jokes take an interminable amount of time to set up and when they arrive, they simply aren’t funny.

The story, briefly put, is this; Jim (Sandler), a widower and Lauren (Barrymore) go out on a blind date and like most blind dates it’s a complete train wreck. They each arrange to get fake emergency phone calls just to get out of the Hooters that they are dining in. Note to single men – never take a first date to Hooters. There won’t be a second.

Anywho, through a convoluted set of circumstances, the two wind up together on an African safari vacation along with her two sons and his three daughters. At first the families fight like cats and dogs (or more to the African theme, like hyenas and jackals). But as they discover that they are all made for each other, the attraction begins to grow and…oh, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Sandler has been on a cold streak as of late, appearing in several movies that have been absolutely horrible. It’s not because Sandler himself is horrible – given the right script, he can absolutely kill. However, he’s been choosing to go the PG-13 route trying to appeal to a family crowd who appreciate a little bit of an edge. The problem is, in my opinion, that he has mined that territory so thoroughly that everything he does is essentially déjà vu for the audience.

And Barrymore’s personality seems to have been diluted someone by her recent motherhood. She was always so free-spirited and spunky in all of her movies, not just the ones with Sandler, but here there’s a blandness to her that I’ve never seen in one of her performances before. I sincerely hope this is a one-time aberration.

And the kids…Oy, the kids! I have another maxim for you; spending time with your own kids is a joy; spending time with someone else’s is a chore. The kids here are all written one-dimensionally as a cluster of neuroses; one is a hyperactive terror who strikes out every time he comes to bat in Little League. One of the girls talks to her dead mother which isn’t a bad thing, but she insists that Mom be set a place at the table. There’s nothing funny about a kid who is in desperate need of therapy. One of the kids is an oversexed perv who tapes the face of his babysitter to centerfolds and…eww. See what I mean about there isn’t anything funny?

Even the bit with the best potential for actual laughter, a kind of African Greek chorus led by Terry Crews that seem to show up at every crucial moment, gets old quickly and dies a horrible death by over-repetition. I mean, did anybody actually watch this movie before they released it?

That the movie is flopping big time at the box office is somewhat comforting in that audiences are at least recognizing that these are not the type of movies they want to see. Hopefully Sandler will take heed and start doing comedies with a little more intelligence and a little less pandering. He’s too big a talent to waste on crap like this.

REASONS TO GO: Nice African images.

REASONS TO STAY: Not funny. Too many kids, all of them obnoxious. Appeals to nobody.

FAMILY VALUES: Plenty of rude and sexual humor and a smattering of foul language.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Alexis Arquette makes a cameo reprising his role as Georgina from The Wedding Singer which was the first time Sandler and Barrymore teamed up.

CRITICAL MASS: As of 6/10/14: Rotten Tomatoes: 14% positive reviews. Metacritic: 31/100.

COMPARISON SHOPPING: Grown-Ups 2

FINAL RATING: 3/10

NEXT: To the Wonder

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New Releases for the Week of May 23, 2014


X-Men: Days of Future PastX-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

(20th Century Fox) Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Halle Berry, Peter Dinklage, Nicholas Hoult. Directed by Bryan Singer

The original X-Men, living in a future devastated by mutant-hunting Sentinels who have begun hunting all life down, must send Wolverine back into the past to fight alongside their younger selves and convince a young and bitter Professor X to bring the X-Men together. He, however, is not so willing no matter what the cost. Singer returns to the franchise he originated.

See the trailer, promos, clips, interviews and B-Roll video here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard (opens Thursday)

Genre: Superhero

Rating: PG-13 (for sequences of intense sci-fi violence and action, some suggestive material, nudity and language)

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn

(Lionsgate) Robin Williams, Mila Kunis, James Earl Jones, Melissa Leo. A Brooklyn man, notorious for his ill temperament, goes to see a doctor about a raging headache. When she tells him that he has a brain aneurysm, he demands to know how long he has. He finally bullies her into telling him – 90 minutes. He sets out to make amends with those he has wronged in his life in the short time he has left. She, filled with remorse, sets out to find him and bring him to the hospital before the angriest man in Brooklyn becomes the angriest corpse in Brooklyn.

See the trailer here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Comedy

Rating: R (for language throughout and some sexual content)

Belle

(Fox Searchlight) Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Tom Wilkinson, Emily Watson, Miranda Richardson. Dido Elizabeth Belle was the illegitimate mixed race daughter of a British Royal Navy Admiral in the 19th century. Raised by her aristocratic great-Uncle, she exists in a strange half-life of the privileged class but due to the color of her skin unable to participate fully or take advantage completely of her circumstances. Her passion, dignity and spirit inspire her great-Uncle to be one of the catalyzing forces in ending slavery in England.

See the trailer, interviews, clips and B-roll video here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Historical Drama

Rating: PG (for thematic elements, some language and brief smoking images)

Blended

(Warner Brothers) Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Kevin Nealon, Joel McHale. Two single parents are set up on a blind date by his boss and her roommate who are dating. Date ends in disaster. Boss and roommate break up. African safari that they were going to go on is up for grabs. Single parents grab the spots. Single parents take their kids. Single parents hate each other. Laughs (hopefully) ensue.

See the trailer, clips, interviews and B-Roll video here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard (opens Thursday)

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Rating: PG-13 (for crude and suggestive content, and language)

Chef

(Open Road) Jon Favreau, Sofia Vergara, John Leguizamo, Dustin Hoffman. Frustrated at having his culinary inspiration curtailed by a control freak owner, a classically-trained chef quits the fine dining establishment in a move viewed by some of his friends as career suicide. Without prospects, he sinks everything he has into buying a food truck. Taking along his ex-wife and best friend for the ride, he takes to this new trend in great food and re-discovers his passion not just for cooking but for life.

See the trailer, clips and B-roll video here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Comedy

Rating: R (for language, including some suggestive references)

The Double

(Magnolia) Jesse Eisenberg, Mia Wasikowska, Wallace Shawn, Noah Taylor. A drone in a retro-futuristic industrial setting, Simon James is a mousy sort who pines away for a co-worker but does nothing to pursue her. A hard worker, his accomplishments are overlooked and indeed few even know his name. Then one day, the company hires a new worker – James Simon, who looks exactly like Simon. To his horror, the outgoing and charismatic James begins to take over Simon’s life; even the girl of his dreams falls for the man who looks exactly like him. One of my films from this year’s Florida Film Festival, look for my review this Sunday.

See the trailer, a clip and find a link to rent the full movie for streaming here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Drama/Black Comedy/Fantasy

Rating: R (for language)

Fed Up

(Radius) Michele Simon. Rocco diSpirito, Senator Cory Booker, Jamie Oliver. The epidemic of childhood obesity and adult-onset diabetes has led nutritionists and medical professionals to rethink our concepts of diet and exercise. The food industry with its emphasis on prepared foods, salt, sugar and fats make it nearly impossible for us to eat responsibly. This documentary will open your eyes as to the way you eat and the things you take for granted.

See the trailer here.

For more on the movie this is the website .

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Documentary

Rating: PG (for thematic elements including smoking images, and brief mild language)

The Immigrant

(Weinstein) Marion Cotillard, Joaquin Phoenix, Jeremy Renner, Angela Sarafyan. At the turn of the 20th century a Polish woman is emigrating to the United States with her sister. When they are separated, she falls prey to a charming but wicked man who forces her into prostitution. Her only salvation may come at the hands of an enigmatic stage magician – who happens to be her tormentor’s cousin.

See the trailer and clips here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Mystery

Rating: R (for sexual content, some nudity and language)

The Love Punch

(Ketchup) Pierce Brosnan, Emma Thompson, Timothy Spall, Celia Imrie. Richard and Kate are happily divorced and looking to go into their sunset years blessedly apart from each other. When an unscrupulous businessman screws them out of their pension, the two are forced to team up and get back what they worked their whole lives for.

See the trailer and a clip here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Caper Comedy

Rating: PG-13 (for some sexual content, language and rude humor)

Manam

(CineGalaxy)  Akkineni Nageshwara Rao, Nagajurna Akkineni, Naga Chaitanya, Samantha Ruth Prabhu.Two souls encounter each other again and again during a hundred year period. Inspired (very) loosely by Back to the Future. This would be Rao’s final film; the veteran Bollywood star passed away shortly after filming wrapped.

See the trailer here.

For more on the movie this is the website.

Release formats: Standard

Genre: Bollywood

Rating: NR