Meat (Vlees)

This is not your ordinary meat market.

(2010) Thriller (Artsploitation) Titus Muizelaar, Nellie Benner, Hugo Metsers, Elvira Out, Kitty Courbois, Gurkan Kucuksenturk, Wilma Bakker, Jasper van Beusekom, Ali Sultan, Frans Bakker, Eric van Wijk, Taco Schenkhuizen, Guido Paulsen, David Jan Bronsgeest, Nadine Roodenburg, Philippe de Voogdt, Florian Visser, Maarten Wijsmuller, Cindy Robinson, Sander Schreuders, Piet Leendertse. Directed by Victor Nieuwenhujis and Maartje Seyferth

 

We are a carnal species, creatures of the flesh. Most of us are meat-eaters and all of us indulge in a healthy interest in sex and, occasionally, unhealthy. As civilized as we like to think ourselves to be, we are at heart animals with animal needs and animal desires.

In a small Dutch seaside town lives a Butcher (Muizelaar) who runs a small but tidy butcher shop. He’s a lonely guy looking for someone to love and who’ll love him back, but he’s not an exceptionally handsome, in good shape kind of guy and I suppose people just inherently don’t trust people who work with a lot of knives. He has a prostitute friend named Teena (W. Bakker) whom he has romantic illusions of but she turns out to be all business.

The butcher’s apprentice is Roxy (Benner), a comely student who has a boyfriend named Mo (Kucuksenturk) who is, ironically enough, an animal activist. Roxy has a handy-cam that she turns on whatever turns her fancy, whether it is the Butcher disconsolately shagging Teena in the freezer, or a tray of freshly butchered offal. When the butcher begins what can only be termed sexually harassing Roxy, she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. In fact, the two begin shagging themselves, particularly after Teena starts flaunting her sexuality, having sex with clients and her pimp (who happens to be the butcher’s boss) in the freezer which seems to spur on Roxy, who is much younger than Teena, to initiate a sexual affair with her boss.

Parallel to that is Inspector Mann who has a startling resemblance to the Butcher – mainly because he’s played by the same guy. Inspector Mann seems to be floating along through life on whatever current might take him. His marriage to Sonia (Out) is disintegrating, largely because of Mann’s own disinterest. The only things that apparently interest him are watering his desultory office plant, and eating. Sex with his wife seems to frighten him. Even tragedy doesn’t move him much; he just seems to shrug his shoulders and move on.

The butcher’s tale (which sounds like it should have been written by Chaucer but in this case more like by way of Lars von Trier) intersects with that of Inspector Mann in an unexpected and somewhat horrific way. Once that happens, the lethargic Mann is moved to take action, but where does the connection truly lie?

This isn’t a horror film precisely. It’s more of a psychological thriller but on LSD. Maybe it would be more accurate to call it a psychedelic thriller; some of the images resemble an acid trip and truly they speak for themselves. There isn’t a lot of dialogue here (a previous film by Seyferth had none at all) and indeed Roxy doesn’t speak until nearly halfway through the film. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot going on though.

There is an awful lot of naked flesh here, both of the human and slaughterhouse varieties. We see the butcher plying his trade which may make some sensitive vegetarian/vegan sorts more than a little nauseous. We see a lot of very graphic sex, almost to the point of pornography which may make some sensitive prudes more than a little squeamish. If you fall into either category, it would be a wise thing for you  to stop reading now and move on to something else because there’s no point in you seeing this movie at all.

Benner is a fresh faced beauty and certainly seeing her naked (as she is for a good percentage of the film) is no great hardship; Muizelaar is a fine actor and has two similar but disparate roles to work on here, although he is less pleasing naked. However, both Inspector Mann and the butcher have body image issues so the flab both of them display naked is somewhat necessary.

The movie doesn’t always make narrative sense and the ending is something of a bad trip. This isn’t a film for everybody – let’s be very clear about that now. It requires a bit of work to get into but I thought it well worth the effort. Not everybody will. This Meat is rather highly seasoned and spicy, but for those of that particular palate, this is a dish best consumed quickly.

REASONS TO GO: Benner and Muizelaar give sterling performances. The film keeps you off-balance in an unsettling way.
REASONS TO STAY: Some might find it too “artsy fartsy.” A little bit on the disjointed side.
FAMILY VALUES:  Graphic nudity and sex, some disturbing butchery images, an attempted rape and adult situations.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT:  Although the film is just getting released in the states, it debuted at the Rotterdam Film Festival way back in 2010.
BEYOND THE THEATER: Vimeo, YouTube
CRITICAL MASS: As of 9/20/16: Rotten Tomatoes: No score yet. Metacritic: No score yet.
COMPARISON SHOPPING: Wetlands
FINAL RATING: 6/10
NEXT: Nick Cave: Once More with Feeling

Delivery Man

Chris Pratt needs a hug.

(2013) Comedy (Touchstone) Vince Vaughn, Chris Pratt, Cobie Smulders, Andrzej Blumenfeld, Simon Delaney, Bobby Moynihan, Dave Patten, Adam Chanler-Berat, Britt Robertson, Jack Reynor, Amos VanderPoel, Matthew Daddario, Jessica Williams, Jay Leno, Bill Maher, Leslie Ann Glossner, Derrick Arthur, Michael Olberholtzer, Kevin Hopkins, Jessica Abo, Kate Dalton. Directed by Ken Scott

There’s a difference between being a dad and being a father and sometimes the two get confused. Anybody with sperm can be a father; not everyone is cut out to be a dad.

David Wozniak (Vaughn) is a charming but incompetent slacker who delivers meat for his father’s (Blumenfeld) Brooklyn butcher shop. He often gets sidetracked, using the truck to take care of his personal business and essentially chauffeuring the meat around Brooklyn. He takes four times as long to deliver the same meat as other drivers and it seems likely that if his dad didn’t own the joint he would have been fired long ago. His brothers Victor (Delaney) and Aleksy (Moynihan) are exasperated with his aimlessness. David needs some focus, a reason to be responsible.

He might have one now that his girlfriend Emma (Smulders), a cop, tells him she’s pregnant. David is thrilled and looks forward to being a dad but Emma isn’t so sure she wants him to be around. She needs stability and security; she wants to know that David will be there when he says he’ll be there and won’t leave her holding the bag every time, something he has done to her many times in the past.

David is also $80K in debt to loan sharks who are threatening to drown him in his own bathtub. To make matters worse, he’s also been served with an injunction. It seems that 20 years earlier, he’d donated sperm to make some extra cash. A lot of it, in fact. Due to a clerical/systemic error at the sperm bank, an excess of his ejacula has been used to procreate – 533 times. Yes, David is the proud pappy of 533 kids and 142 of them have filed a lawsuit to discover the identity of their sperm donor father. David had signed an anonymity clause for every one of his donations and had used the name “Starbuck” as a code to determine the source of his sperm.

Realizing he needs a lawyer, David goes to his best friend Brett (Pratt), a single father of four who isn’t respected by his children, his mother – pretty much everyone else for that matter – who happens to have a law degree. Brett actually welcomes the opportunity – this is the kind of case that can become a landmark and establish a fella in the profession.

David is given for reasons that I dare not even guess a folder full of profiles of the 142 progeny who are involved in the lawsuit and given strict instructions not to open them. David being David, he opens one up and discovers that one of his sons (Hopkins) is a basketball star. Heartened, he decides to open other profiles and discovers that each of them are pretty decent kids, from the one who is a struggling actor (Reynor) to one who is struggling to get her life together after years of drug addiction (Robertson).  One of them, Viggo (Chanler-Berat) manages to figure out David’s identity and rather than disclose it moves in with him.

Becoming the guardian angel for his kids turns David’s life around, despite Brett’s protestations that he is potentially harming his own case. Will David’s past sins threaten everything or will his new attitude finally make him the man Emma thought he could always be?

This is an English-language remake of the French-Canadian comedy Starbuck which played this year’s Florida Film Festival and had a brief theatrical run at the Enzian earlier this fall. The same director who did that does the remake and I’m not sure whether or not that was a good idea – this is virtually a shot-by-shot, line-by-line remake that differs only in minute details from the original.

Which is fine because I liked the first film so much but the remake doesn’t really add anything. Vaughn is as affable and as charming an actor as you’ll find in Hollywood and this is the sort of role that he has built his career on, albeit David is less of a fast talking con man than some of Vaughn’s other performances. In fact contrasting Vaughn with David Huard who played David in Starbuck I think if anything Vaughn is more laid-back than Huard was. Who would have predicted that?

The things that made the first film so enjoyable are present here as well – the heartwarming charm, the gentle humorous pokes at fatherhood. Although the subject matter of sperm donation has an inherent sexual component and it is alluded to in a couple of jokes, this is largely as family-friendly a comedy as you’re likely to find from a major studio release these days and it certainly lacks the raunch of Judd Apatow’s work or the Hangover series. Some might say that there’s not enough edge here but that’s entirely a matter of personal taste.

As pleasant comedies go this one is inoffensive and while I would certainly recommend Starbuck ahead of this, those who haven’t seen the former will certainly enjoy this one, quite possibly a lot. While the average movie critic and cynical indie-loving film buff might decry this as too manipulative, a little manipulation can be a good thing from time to time.

REASONS TO GO: Vaughn is as engaging as ever. Funny and heartwarming.

REASONS TO STAY: Lacks edge and energy. Doesn’t add anything to the original.

FAMILY VALUES:  A bit of sexual material, a bit of drug content, some foul language and brief violence.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Chris Pratt gained 60 pounds to play the out-of-shape lawyer Brett.

CRITICAL MASS: As of 12/15/13: Rotten Tomatoes: 38% positive reviews. Metacritic: 44/100.

COMPARISON SHOPPING: Parenthood

FINAL RATING: 6/10

NEXT: The Book Thief

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

You’d better watch out…

(2010) Horror Comedy (Oscilloscope Laboratories) Onni Tommila, Jorma Tommila, Tommi Korpela, Per Christian Ellefsen, Jonathan Hutchings, Peeter Jakobi, Ilmari Jarvenpaa, Rauno Juvonen, Risto Salvi, Jens Sivertsen. Directed by Jalmari Helander

 

Good old Saint Nick! Everyone knows the jolly old elf makes his big appearance every 25th of December, spreading joy around the world and delivering toys to kids who appear on the nice list and coal to those on the naughty list. There are places, however, who don’t have as high an opinion of Santa – they’re downright terrified of him.

In Northern Finland, a team of American scientists are blasting into a large hill in a remote part of the country above the Arctic Circle. The residents of the town nearby have no clue what the Americans are up to – and they could care less. It is the day before Christmas and their concerns are larger; it is time to harvest the reindeer that provides not only their livelihood but their store of food for the winter.

The trouble is that the reindeer are all dead; massacred by something, their carcasses littering the ground outside the fence surrounding the American blast zone. Rauno (Jorma Tommila), a taciturn widower, thinks it might be wolves which are a pest in that part of Finland – he even has dug a wolf trap (which are illegal in Finland). His son Pietari (Onni Tommila) isn’t so sure.

You see, Pietari and his buddy Juuso (Jarvenpaa) made a hole in the fence and snuck in to the blast site and heard a few things they shouldn’t have – as in that the hill that is outside their town is in fact a gigantic burial mound and that the Americans have found something there that was supposed to stay buried…and what they found is very much alive.

The bookish Pietari does some research and discovers that the Santa Clause we all know and love was not always regarded that way in Lapland. In fact, he was used as a kind of boogeyman, kidnapping naughty children and leaving straw dolls in their place. The naughty kids he would boil alive and otherwise torture and kill in inventive ways. Pietari realizes that this demonic child stealer is exactly what the Americans found, but he’s the only one who knows it.

Pietari’s dad doesn’t have time for foolishness. He and some of the town’s men go to confront the Americans but the installation is eerily deserted. And his wolf trap has captured something unexpected. Santa Claus is coming to town boys and girls and you’d better pray you aren’t on his naughty list.

There is a lot going for this film. The northern setting is starkly beautiful and the hardscrabble life of the villagers quite realistic. There is enough comedy here to keep you off-balance – as when Rauno growls at his son to stay back from the wolf trap but as he turns his back, Pietari continues to move forward, almost without thinking in the way that children do when their curiosity outweighs everything else, including sense. It’s not rebellion, it’s just compulsion.

There isn’t a lot of gore here so those who might consider that a horror necessity will be disappointed. Da Queen, who is normally quite squeamish about horror movies found this one palatable and non-nightmare inducing although there are some scenes that might give the sensitive pause.

On the negative side, while the actor who plays Pietari is good, this is another case of a kid who has to save the day from adults who won’t listen to his sage advice. I don’t know about you, but I would consider any advice from a kid wearing cardboard armor and who drags a bedraggled stuffed animal around with him a bit suspect.

Still, the ending was nifty, unexpected and left room for a potential sequel only not in an obvious way. I appreciated the filmmaker’s imagination as well as their willingness to take chances. Not all of them work but most do and make for a very entertaining holiday horror film which is a much better alternative to things like Black Christmas, Santa’s Slay and Silent Night, Deadly Night.

WHY RENT THIS: A wry sense of humor and an inventive take on the Santa legend.

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: Suffers from the “smart kid saves the day from bumbling adults” syndrome.

FAMILY VALUES: There is a bit of nudity and a bit more foul language.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: The actors who play Pietari and his father are father and son in real life.

NOTABLE DVD EXTRAS: There is a featurette comparing the original animatics with the finished computer-generated effects as well as a look at the pre-production art which is pretty nifty. There are a couple of short films that Helander directed that takes place in the Rare Exports universe and includes much of the same cast; they should be seen after you’ve watched the main movie. The Blu-Ray also includes the complete feature Santa Claus vs. the Martians which is quite frankly one of the worst movies ever made and whose inclusion here is rather bizarre. Watch it if you dare.

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $4M on an unreported production budget; there’s a good chance this made money during its theatrical run.

FINAL RATING: 6.5/10

TOMORROW: The Holly and the Quill continues!