It’s Not a Burden

They care for us when we’re young; we care for them when they’re old.

(2021) Documentary (Gravitas) Michelle Boyaner, Elaine Boyaner George, Brother Kenneth, Morris Boyaner, Esther Lapiduss, Maxine Lapiduss, Sally Lapiduss. Directed by Michelle Boyaner

 

We are seeing a shift in America’s age; we are getting older as a nation. The baby boomers are now retiring and often, being forced into retirement communities and assisted living centers. Their adult children often end up caring for them the same way their parents cared for them as children. It’s time, the film seems to be saying, to return the favor.

Documentary director Michelle Boyaner found herself in that position with her own parents. She has a bit of a unique situation; her parents divorced when she was younger after having had eight children together. Her mom Elaine decided (for reasons that she sort of addresses in the movie) that she couldn’t be a mom any longer, so all eight of the children were sent to live with their father while Elaine moved to Utah, converted to the Church of Latter-Day Saints, and married a new husband. Michelle, the oldest, helped raise her siblings, but a chasm had been formed between her and her mother. The relationship between the two women was cordial, but very cold.

It was assumed that Michelle’s younger sister Danielle would be the one to look after Elaine when her mom started showing signs of dementia, but Danielle passed away unexpectedly. On her deathbed, she made Elaine promise to look after their mom. Michelle, still harboring resentment towards her mother, reluctantly agreed.

The film is subtitled The Humor and Heartache of Raising Elderly Parents and there is some humor here. Michelle (and most of the other caregiving subjects interviewed here) counsels patience, and that’s excellent advice. For example, Elaine has trouble remembering that she sold her house on Serenade Lane in Huntington Beach in 1983. She constantly refers to the house and Michelle often has to remind her that it’s no longer hers.

Michelle spends a good deal of time interviewing a whole lot of other people in similar situations – adult children acting as caregivers to elderly parents, most with some form of dementia or another. For example, we get the vivacious 96-year-old entertainer from Pittsburgh whose daughters don’t quite have the energy to keep up with her, or the aging monk who runs a care home for retired monks who have no family to care for them, or the former dancer on Broadway who is visited by members of the LGBTQ community who act as “chosen family” members. Some of their stories are touching, others humorous but many of them are actually kind of similar. This is a case where less is definitely more; I would have preferred fewer testimonials, but more in-depth ones. Then again, I’m definitely a quality over quantity kind of guy.

The central story revolves around a metaphor of an amusement park in which you try to survive the rides without throwing up afterwards, and the metaphor is kind of apt. One thing for certain is that you have to have a plan; most of us are going to face the aging of our loved ones at some point and should have a working idea of the options available to them. The movie does show a few of them – parents living with their children, parents living in residential care facilities, parents with visiting health care professionals that perform in-home treatment on a regular basis.

The movie has some truly heartbreaking moments and wise viewers will have some tissue paper handy to dab away moisture at the corner of their eyes that might unexpectedly erupt. One of the things that I took away from the film was that the estrangement between Michelle and her mother more or less evaporated during the time she was caring for her and the time the two spent together actually strengthened their bonds which I don’t think the younger woman expected. I wouldn’t say that this is indispensable – the film is a bit unfocused and repetitive in places, and could have done with more information on how to find support if you find yourself in a situation where you’re providing care for an elderly parent or parents with dementia. However, this certainly gives a perspective on the situation and might be a good starting point for those who see the road ahead leading in that very direction.

REASONS TO SEE: The journey is heartbreaking. The ending is extremely poignant.
REASONS TO AVOID: Could have used fewer interview subjects and more depth on the ones they chose to keep.
FAMILY VALUES: There are some frank conversations about the consequences of aging and dementia.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Boyaner was previously nominated for an Emmy for her 2015 film Packed in a Trunk: The Lost Art of Edith Lake Wilkinson.
BEYOND THE THEATERS: AppleTV, Google Play, Microsoft, Vimeo, Vudu, YouTube
CRITICAL MASS: As of 6/21/21: Rotten Tomatoes: No score yet; Metacritic: No score yet.
COMPARISON SHOPPING: It Is Not Over Yet
FINAL RATING: 7.5/10
NEXT: Undercover Punch and Gun

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Cotton Wool

Family outings are the best.

(2017) Drama (Cherwell) Leanne Best, Crissy Rock, Kate Rutter, Max Vento, Gemma North, Katherine Quinn, Jason Lamar Ricketts, Emma Charlotte Heyes, Caragh Casserly, Olivia Hargreaves, Megan Grady, Lulu Mann, Will Clay, Edward Buckley. Directed by Nicholas Connor

 

Life can change in the space of a heartbeat. One moment, everything is normal and business as usual. The next, everything is different and our roles have been redefined, not only in regards to each other but in regards to ourselves.

Rachel (Best) is a singe mum in the North of England who works hard to put food on the table and care for her children; nine-year-old Sam (Vento) whom she dotes on, and teenage Jenny (Rock) whom she butts heads with. Remember that moment-to-moment thing? She’s taking laundry downstairs, trying to get her kids shooed off to school and herself to work when she collapses, suffering a massive stroke, Sam begging her to stop being a monster, clinging to the hope that his mum is trying to mess with him rather than think that something is seriously wrong which he knows deep down is true.

When Rachel comes home from the hospital, it becomes the responsibility of Jenny and Sam to take care of her. She has gone from taking care of her kids to being cared for by them. At first, Jenny wants no part of it. She wants nothing more than to be a normal teenage girl, hanging out at the pub with her friends. She abrogates her responsibility, leaving even more of the burden on Sam’s shoulders and fortunately Sam comes through, helping his mum with phonetic exercises trying to get a semblance of speech back for her and more importantly, having the presence of mind to summon help when his mother has a second mini-stroke.

A family friend (Rutter)) sees what’s happening and feels the need to intercede with Jenny, who is absolutely terrified when she realizes how easily her mum could have lost her life. The thought causes Jenny to reconsider her priorities.

The movie is ultimately heartwarming, but it underscores a serious problem with the National Health Service; there are nearly a quarter million caregivers in the UK who are children and of those, a significant percentage is under nine. I’m not sure what the figures are like here in the States, but I can bet that they are just as bad or worse, considering that we don’t have much of a healthcare system.

Best gives an outstanding performance here; the terror in her eyes as she falls to the floor, her last coherent words being “Oh, no!” as she realizes that something terrible is happening to her. Later on, her frustration has to be portrayed largely with her eyes and through tears, reduced to using a speech machine that in a flat operator-like voice says “I don’t feel like a woman anymore” as she confides to the social worker, at last being forced to ask her for help going to the loo.

The movie does get a bit maudlin at times as Sam, well-played by child actor Max Vento, is a bit too good to be true and Jenny a little bit too self-centered to begin with. There is a very real issue here, but the thirty-seven-minute running time isn’t really sufficient time to explore it properly. This is the rare case of a film not having enough time. As a result, Connor (who also wrote the film) is forced to use a cudgel rather than a scalpel.

This short has completed a successful festival run and should be on Amazon shortly. It is well worth seeking out.

REASONS TO SEE: Points out a rather large crack in the NHS that people fall through.
REASONS TO AVOID: Sometimes gets a little maudlin.
FAMILY VALUES: Perfectly suitable for all family members.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Best also played the title role in The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death.
CRITICAL MASS: As of 4/24//20: Rotten Tomatoes: No score yet. Metacritic:  No score yet
COMPARISON SHOPPING: The Big Sick
FINAL RATING: 6.5/10
NEXT: Robert the Bruce