Christmas Blood (Juleblod)


What’s a Killer Santa movie without a half-dressed blonde elf?

(2017) Horror (Artsploitation) Stig Henrik Hoff, Marte Sæteren, Kylie Stephenson, Sondre Krogtoft Larsen, Julia Schacht, Truls Svendsen, Yasmine Johansen, Karoline Stemre, Nina Winther, Haddy Jallow, Helene Eldsvåg, Andreas Nonaas, Bente Julie Kill, Anita Ihler, Ingvild Flikkerud, Sindre Olav Fredriksen, Jon-André Hakvåg, Jorgen Langhelle, Frank Kjosås, Elizabeth Mainy, Julianne Aga. Directed by Reinert Kill

 

Horror film aficionados will tell you at this time of year, you’d really better watch out. Santa Claus is coming to town after all and we’re not talking about a cuddly fat guy bringing presents and eating cookies – we’re talking about a man with an axe to grind, quite literally.

For 13 years, Norway was beset by a crazed serial killer who murdered people on his “naughty list” – those publicly accused of crimes but never convicted. He has a list of 324 names, most of which he’s attended to until he is caught by an obsessed detective named Thomas Rasch (Hoff) who lucks into finding the culprit and puts several slugs into him.

Miraculously, the killer survives (don’t they always?) and he is placed in an asylum for several years until at last he escapes – just in time for another dose of yuletide terror. In the meantime, one of the potential victims on the list has committed suicide, apparently racked with guilt over her crime (although the killer is blissfully unaware of her demise). Her daughter Julia (Sæteren) who desperately trying to cope, invites a group of her college friends to the remote Arctic circle village where her mom had a house to spend the holidays. The girls, including Aussie Annika (Stephenson) who loves to party, tough gal Ritika (Jallow), sweet deaf child Elizabeth (Stemre) and Katja (Johansen) who has brought her can’t-keep-it-in-his-pants boyfriend Christian (Nonaas) along – and apparently he and Ritika have a history. Terje Hansen (Larsen) drags a now-alcoholic Rasch out of retirement to go after the killer, whose pattern indicates he will finish off his list in a tiny town above the Arctic Circle – where a group of scantily clad friends are alternately partying and bickering.

The killer Santa subgenre is nothing new, nor is the virtually un-killable killer; this movie recycles a bunch of tropes from both. Veteran horror director Kill (who may have the best name for horror directors this side of Rob Zombie) has an eye for atmosphere; the remote town is virtually deserted and the streets empty and full of snow and mist. There is also a decent soundtrack (a bit overloaded with bland electronic Europop) particularly when the killer is around when drums beat, lights dim and the ground shakes. That’s a guy who knows how to make an entrance!

I found myself yelling at the screen. When a police detective goes into a murder scene at night, don’t you think the first thing they’d do is turn on the lights. I suppose Norwegian detectives prefer operating in the dark. I’m all for atmosphere but I am also all for common sense as well. A little less darkness and a little more respect for the viewer’s intelligence would be welcome.

The plot is pretty stale – anyone who has seen a killer Santa movie is likely to find things on the predictable side – but that’s offset by some genuinely beautiful scenery, both in Norway and yes, the girls aren’t too hard on the eyes either. Still, with elements of Halloween and Silent Night Deadly Night to deal with, most hardcore horror fan may find this a little overly familiar without adding a whole lot new to either genre.

REASONS TO GO: The girls are very attractive.
REASONS TO STAY: This is a very predictable movie.
FAMILY VALUES: There is plenty of violence and gore as well as profanity, drug use, sexual situations, rape and nudity.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Director Reinert Kill was at one time a member of the Norwegian Air Force.
BEYOND THE THEATERS: Amazon, Google Play, Vimeo, Vudu, YouTube
CRITICAL MASS: As of 12/30/18: Rotten Tomatoes: No score yet: Metacritic: No score yet.
COMPARISON SHOPPING: Silent Night Deadly Night
FINAL RATING: 5/10
NEXT:
Santa Claus

Sorority Row


Sorority Row

Most sorority sisters will tell you that a sorority house is just a series of excuses to dress up in lingerie.

(2009) Slasher Horror (Summit) Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Rumer Willis, Jamie Chung, Audrina Partridge, Carrie Fisher, Julian Morris, Margo Harshman, Matt O’Leary. Directed by Stewart Hendler

The slasher movie is a time-honored tradition that usually involves a mysterious, hooded or masked maniac, lots of women in lingerie, bikinis, miniskirts or nothing at all and a series of grisly but imaginative murders. The 1983 opus The House on Sorority Row combined all of these elements and while not a classic of the genre, was certainly one of its better moments.

Flash forward to 2009 and an all-new rendition of it, mostly starring ladies from television shows (Audrina Partridge from “The Hills,” Leah Pipes from “Terminator: The Sarah Connors Chronicles”) or low-rent movies (Briana Evigan from Step Up 2, Jamie Chung from Dragonball: Evolution) with daughters of the famous (Rumer Willis – daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, Evigan – daughter of “BJ and the Bear’s” Greg Evigan). It would seem to be a winning mix.

The sisters of the Theta Pi sorority at Rosman College (the original party school) decide to pull a stunt on the cheating boyfriend of Megan (Partridge) by convincing him that the date rape drug they supplied him with had caused an overdose, after which they would have to dispose of the body. This takes place at a sorority house party in which ingénues in lingerie stage beer chugging contests, pillow fights in a scenario that could only take place in the fevered imagination of an adolescent male who yearns for the opportunity to see a bare breast up close and personal – or the mind of a cynical Hollywood screenwriter who is catering to him.

The prank goes horribly wrong when the panicky frat boy, wanting to make sure the “dead” Megan is truly dead, shoves a tire iron into her chest with lethal force. The shocked sisters are bullied by Jessica (Pipes), the queen bee of the crew, to toss the body down the mine shaft (which was what they had convinced the frat boy they were going to do in the first place) and Never Speak of This Again to Anybody. Yeah, right – as if. Cassidy (Evigan), the brainy one who has the closest thing to a moral center at first refuses but is peer pressured into reluctantly agreeing to it.

Months later as the group prepares for their graduation party, they begin to get text messages from the victims’ cell phone. Could it be Megan – back from the dead and seeing revenge? Or maybe her creepy sister, who has turned up unexpectedly?  In any case, sisters start turning up sliced and diced by a mysterious hooded figure wielding a tire iron. Now that’s what I call a party.

The clichés are abounding here, and director Hendler doesn’t seem much disposed to straying beyond them. Mostly, the girls have little to do but wear clothes that say less college sorority girl and more slut and scream periodically. While I admit it’s nice to see Carrie Fisher onscreen (as the feisty house mother whose best line is “Do you think you scare me? I run a house with fifty bitches in it!”), the part is so very beneath her. You’d think that Princess Leia would be able to get better parts.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Carlos – this is a slasher movie. Nobody goes to see it for the acting – their target audience just wants boobs and really clever murders, the more gruesome the better. While there are plenty of boobs, where the movie fails to deliver is on the murders. The payoffs are rarely there and even the build-ups are pretty lame. Yes, a couple of the murders are nicely done but the bulk of them are rather anticlimactic. That’s not a word you want to use when describing a slasher flick.

The fact that the movie was profitable is owed more to its low production cost rather than its quality. A word to prospective producers of slasher movies; think how much more profitable your movies would be if you threw a well-scripted, well-executed movie with exciting murder scenes on top of the breasts and lingerie? This movie demonstrates that the market is there for it. Now we just need some filmmakers to deliver on it; unfortunately, these didn’t.

WHY RENT THIS: Some nice scares and a couple of really well-done murders. It’s nice to see Fisher onscreen, even though it’s in a role that’s clearly beneath her.  

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: The concept has been done to death and the movie doesn’t particularly bring anything new to the table. While there are a few good scares, mostly it’s just gruesome.

FAMILY VALUES: Lots of violence, plenty of gore, sexuality and nudity, foul language, teen drinking – pretty much the whole gamut.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Rosman College, the setting for the movie, is named for Mark Rosman, who wrote and directed the 1983 original and is an executive producer on this film.

NOTABLE DVD EXTRAS: None listed.

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $27.2M on a $12.5M production budget; the movie was profitable.

FINAL RATING: 4/10

TOMORROW: The Mechanic (2011)