Pool Boys


George Takei wonders how he got into this movie.

George Takei wonders how he got into this movie.

(2011) Comedy (Cinedigm) Matthew Lillard, Brett Davern, Efren Ramirez, Rachelle Lefevre, Tom Arnold, Robert Davi, Jay Thomas, Rhoda Griffis, Patricia de Leon, Sheena Lee, Simona Fusco, Darla Haun, Janine Habeck, Monica Leigh, Jennifer Walcott, Heather Marsden, Rachel Rogers, A.J. Alexander, George Takei, John Billingsley, Stephanie Honore. Directed by J.B. Rogers

College these days is an expensive proposition and an Ivy League school like Harvard is nearly impossible unless your folks happen to have a spare million or two burning a hole in their pockets. For the rest of us, even if we have the grades and test scores to get in the very prospect of paying for a Harvard education is a daunting task.

That’s what Alex Sperling (Davern) is looking forward to. Fortunately, he has a summer internship set up that will help offset the cost but when that falls through, he looks to his fast-talking cousin Roger (Lillard) for help. Roger has been bragging about his successful aqua engineering business but as it turns out, Roger is a bit of a story teller – his business turns out to be pool maintenance in Los Angeles. As you might expect, Alex isn’t just disappointed – he’s furious.

Roger doesn’t want to let his cuz down however. A chance opportunity to housesit for a wealthy Beverly Hills client gives Roger a hare-brained idea – to turn the mansion into a brothel. He could – ‘scuse the pun – clean up and give Alex more than he needs for his tuition. Roger knows he can’t lose, particularly with Hollywood star Tom Arnold (himself) on his side.

If this kind of thing sounds familiar, it was old hat 30 years ago. Lillard is one of those character actors whose face you probably know well if not the name. He can do goofy but a little of it goes a long way and he’s a bit over-the-top here. So too is Efren Ramirez as an over-sexed gardener. However, they at least have some personality – Davern shows little here.

Like any raunchy sex comedy, there’s plenty of raunch – lots of women in various states of undress, the occasional boob, and I will say that the women in this film are as good looking as any as you’ll find in a single movie of this sort. For those looking for that sort of thing, you can’t go wrong here.

Unfortunately most of the rest of us want some comedy with our sex comedies and there is little of that to be found here. Most of the jokes are tired and/or fall flat. Some of that is performer-driven but much of it is that the jokes weren’t that funny to begin with. That’s not a good sign if you’re looking to laugh.

WHY RENT THIS: Plenty of gorgeous swimsuit-clad (and nude) bodies.

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: Doesn’t add anything to the raunchy sex comedy genre. Not funny enough.

FAMILY VALUES: Plenty of raunchy humor, sexual content and nudity, some bad language and a bit of drug use.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: The Braille studs on Lillard’s cap read “1969.”

NOTABLE DVD EXTRAS: There’s a virtual lapdance sequence (I kid you not).

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $2,269 on an unreported production budget.

COMPARISON SHOPPING: Risky Business

FINAL RATING: 4/10

NEXT: Ender’s Game

Crank: High Voltage


Crank: High Voltage

You can't say that Jason Statham doesn't get a charge out of life.

(Lionsgate) Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Efren Ramirez, Clifton Collins Jr., Bai Ling, David Carradine, Art Hsu, Corey Haim, Gerri Halliwell, John de Lancie. Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor

Some action movies are high octane. Others, nuclear meltdowns. The first Crank was one of the latter. Would this one measure up?

You wouldn’t think so, given that the hero of the first movie (SPOILER ALERT) falls from a helicopter to his apparent death on the city street below. (CONTINUE READING) But in the universe of Crank: High Voltage, Asian gangsters come along with a snow shovel to scoop up the wide-awake Chev Chelios (Statham) with a snow shovel to bring him to a back room operating room, where his seemingly indestructible heart has been removed for transplant into an aged Chinese mobster (a nearly unrecognizable Carradine).

He has been given a cut-rate artificial heart powered by a car battery to keep his body alive before other organs (including his, ummm, manliest) can be harvested as well. Instead, Chelios awakes to wreak mayhem, havoc and otherwise kick the crap out of things. He goes on yet another rampage around the Los Angeles area to find his heart so that he might get it back, stopping periodically to recharge his dying battery. He rescues his girlfriend Eve (Smart) from a life of exotic dancing, gets together with his incredulous doctor (Yoakam) and picks up Venus (Ramirez), the effeminate twin brother of Kaylo (also played by Ramirez) from the first movie (and Venus has a rather unusual affliction by the way), and Ria (Ling), a goofy prostitute who becomes smitten with Chelios.

Further explanation is unnecessary, redundant and superfluous. If you loved the cinematic video game that was the first movie, this will be right up your alley. Neveldine/Taylor, the directing team responsible for the first one, has amped things up a notch, shooting the improbability factor to 10 and letting loose their guerilla filmmakers onto an unsuspecting city.

This is the kind of movie not meant to be taken seriously, yet most of the reviews I read of it seemed downright huffy. Look guys, this was never meant to be a Merchant/Ivory production. This is going to appeal to the crowd that plays Grand Theft Auto for 36 hours straight, hyped out on Mountain Dew, Hot Pockets and testosterone. The heavy metal soundtrack should tell you that this is meant expressly for young males.

Yes, Virginia, there is some stereotyping, nudity, sexuality and a whole lot of violence, but so what? The stereotyping is done so broadly that it’s fairly obvious it’s meant as satire. The nudity and violence are so over-the-top that it’s impossible to take it too seriously, and the script so ludicrous that it becomes understood that this is meant to be Jackass on steroids high on angel dust.

Statham makes Chelios as fun as it is possible for a hit man to be, poking fun at his own image in the process. He is a masterful action hero, looking convincing in all the fight sequences and running around with a perpetual scowl on his face that invites the good citizens of Los Angeles to stay the frack out of his way if they know what’s good for them.

There are constant little homages to B-movies of the past, from The Brain that Would Not Die to El Mariachi as well as to the pop culture of the digital age – videogames and things like Red Versus Blue. Again, this moves at dizzying speed, so much so that you feel like you’ve sprinted through a marathon by the time the movie comes to an end.

This isn’t Shakespeare folks; it’s just a good time, and Crank: High Voltage succeeds wildly at that. This is the kind of movie that you put on, turn off your brain and let the energy drinks flow as you pound your chest and shout an occasional ”WHOAAAA!” at the screen. You’ll need to go through detox after seeing this one.

WHY RENT THIS: If you liked the first movie, you’re gonna love this one – all the frenetic oddball action, only amped up another notch.  

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: The nudity, the violence, the ludicrous plot…if those things bother you, you’re better off watching the next edition of Masterpiece Theater.

FAMILY VALUES: Oh, c’mon…you’re not honestly thinking of letting your kids see this are you? If you are, your kids are going to need therapy, man.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: The home video edition is entitled Crank 2: High Voltage although the theatrical release didn’t have a number in the title.

NOTABLE DVD EXTRAS: The Blu-Ray has a Crank’d Out Bonus View mode featuring the cast and crew, as well as a featurette on the wrap party for the movie, something we rarely get to see.  

FINAL RATING: 7/10

TOMORROW: Drag Me to Hell