I, Frankenstein

Aaron Eckhart is pissed off that his agent let him sign up for this film.

(2014) Horror Fantasy (Lionsgate) Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, Yvonne Strahovsky, Miranda Otto, Jai Courtney, Socratis Otto, Aden Young, Caitlin Stasey, Mahesh Jadu, Steve Mouzakis, Nicholas Bell, Deniz Akdeniz, Chris Pang, Kevin Grevioux, Bruce Spence, Virginie Le Brun, Penny Higgs, Goran Kleut, Yasca Sinigaglia, Nicole Downs, Angela Kennedy, Samantha Reed. Directed by Stuart Beattie

We are born and then we are created. We are all of us blank slates that are filled up by our experiences and our mentors, parents and friends. Of course if you don’t have the latter, you are left to interpret things on your own.

Victor Frankenstein (Young) had found the secret of creation, animating a sewn-together quilt of body parts and grafted skin. Part scientist and part madman, he had promised his creature (Eckhart) that he would one day animate a companion for him but later went back on his promise. In a fit of rage, the creature murdered Frankenstein’s wife (Le Brun) which completely unhinges his creator, who follows his creation up above the Arctic circle and promptly freezes to death. For reasons even he probably can’t understand, the creature carries the body back to the graveyard to bury his creator alongside his wife when the creature is attacked by demons. A pair of gargoyles witness the event in which the creature kills (and sends their spirits back to Hell) most of his attackers. Sounds plenty biblical to me.

They take him back (none too willingly) to a huge Notre Dame-like cathedral in some unnamed Eurocity where he is introduced to Leonore (Otto), Queen of the Gargoyles. She explains to the creature (whom she names Adam) that there is a war going on between the Demons of Hell and the Gargoyles who are the agents of Heaven (apparently the angels didn’t want to get their wings dirty) and that for whatever reason the demon Prince Naberius (Nighy) had chosen to involve Adam, he was nevertheless caught in the middle. However, Adam who is kind of pissed off at life in general (talk about someone who never asked to be born) chooses to turn his back, heading someplace where humans can’t find him. Or demons. Or gargoyles.

200 years pass and Adam, tired of being stalked by demons and still pissed off at life in general, decides to go on the offensive. Things haven’t changed much in gargoyle-land except that they are now willing to win by any means necessary and they don’t trust Adam much. Naberius, masquerading as a tech industrialist, has hired Dr. Terra (Strahovsky), a respected scientist, to help Naberius figure out a way to replicate Victor Frankenstein’s work. Of course, she doesn’t realize she’s working for a demon prince or she’d probably have asked for enough of a salary increase to afford a better apartment.

She’s able to re-animate rats but not humans yet; the reappearance of Adam and the existence of Victor Frankenstein’s journal in the possession of the gargoyles gives her a shot at actually reanimating human corpses. But what does Naberius want with reanimated corpses and how will that lead to the end of the world? And what will Adam, still pissed off at life in general, do about it – if anything?

Based on the Kevin Grevioux (who has a small role in the film) graphic novel, this has a lot of the same elements of the Underworld series; since some of the producer of that series are involved, it isn’t a stretch to figure out why the movie has much the same look as that hit movie franchise. Mainly set at night or at dusk, with palates of blue and grey predominant in the mix, the movie looks slick.

There is of course plenty of CGI gargoyles and demons to augment the slick look, with lots of digital flame and blue light to denote when a gargoyle or demon respectively bites the dust (the flames descend downward, the blue light ascends upward). The only thing missing is a black leather catsuit for Strahovsky.

Eckhart has been one of Hollywood’s most interesting leading men over the last decade but this is a definite misfire. His only expression is anger with a side trip into annoyed. He’s like the Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino only with a murderous glare and lots of scars. He’s still charismatic but we get no sense of his inner journey – he eventually decides to help (not much of a spoiler gang) but we never get a clear sense of why; for someone who just wants to be left alone he really sticks his nose in things.

Nighy is one of my favorite actors and he’s essentially entertaining in everything he does. He can be light and charming, or dark and menacing as he is here. He makes for a fine demon prince, urbane and charming on the surface but with a whole load of delicious evil below it. Something tells me that a movie about his character would have been much more fun. Strahovsky, best known as the love interest in the TV show Chuck, looks pretty good on the big screen. I think she’ll make the transition just fine if that’s where she wants to go. Sadly, all three of these fine actors deserved better (as does Miranda Otto as the wishy-washy gargoyle queen).

In movies like Legion and Max Payne we get a very similar background story with a very similar look to both movies, and this one doesn’t really distinguish itself from those other two (and a whole mess o’ B-movies with similar themes). While some of the effects are nice and the leading actors do their job, the dialogue can be cringeworthy and you get the sense that director Beattie – who has some pretty good movies to his credit – lost a whole lot of battles to the producers and/or studio. In any case, this is bound to be heading to home video pretty quickly and while I won’t say it’s a complete waste of your time, you might be better off waiting for it to be a cheaper ticket than the ten dollars plus for the 3D version that are out there now.

REASONS TO GO: Bill Nighy is always entertaining. Aaron Eckhart is a solid leading man. Some nice eye candy.

REASONS TO STAY: Plot is very much paint-by-numbers. All concept and no substance.

FAMILY VALUES:  Throughout the movie there’s plenty of action and violence although not much gore.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: The monster was given the name Adam in Mary Shelley’s original novel. Few of the movies have utilized it but this one does.

CRITICAL MASS: As of 2/4/14: Rotten Tomatoes: 5% positive reviews. Metacritic: 30/100.

COMPARISON SHOPPING: Constantine

FINAL RATING: 4/10

NEXT: Labor Day

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Rubber

Just rollin’ along.

(2010) Horror Spoof (Magnet) Stephen Spinella, Jack Plotnick, Wings Hauser, Roxanne Mesquida, Ethan Cohn, Charlie Koontz, Daniel Quinn, Devin Brochu, Hayley Holmes, Haley Ramm, Cecilia Antoinette, David Bowe, Remy Thorne, Tara Jean O’Brien. Directed by Quentin Dupieux

 

Sometimes things happen for no reason. Never is that more evident than in the movies. Some things just occur because they need to for the plot to advance. If you think about it too much your brain explodes.

In the middle of a desert (I’ve heard tell it’s California) a group of people gather. They are waiting expectantly, for what we don’t know. Suddenly a car roars in, knocking over a bunch of chairs. From the trunk comes Lieutenant Chad (Spinella), ranting about the movies and why people don’t use the bathroom in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the answer? no reason). He then presents for the onlookers a kind of live movie which they watch with binoculars and comment regularly on the goings on.

A tire (named Robert in the credits) stirs to life, half-buried in the sand. It takes halting attempts to rise and roll, often ending with it back on its side but eventually it begins rolling. It discovers it can direct its own travels and then it also finds it can cause things to explode, starting with birds and scorpions and graduating to larger animals…and humans. In the case of humans, it’s the heads that go boom.

It finds its way to a motel where it rolls into bed, watching an exercise video. It watches a maid make up the room. It evades the cops. Why? I’m sure you can guess.

Think of a nihilistic “Seinfeld” with a Dada streak a mile long, only without the standup comedy. The humor here is far more subtle and black. The horror element is more in the gore than suspense or atmosphere. They don’t always mix well.

Dupieux, who also operates under the nom des artes of Mr. Oizo (an electro musician and performance artist) has a twisted vision which I have to give props for. It is unique and unlike any other movie which you’re ever likely to see. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it necessarily something you would want to see. The constant breaking of the fourth wall by the actors and the audience/chorus gets to be irritating after awhile, plus the constant nihilistic “let’s move the plot in unexpected directions for no reason” is often confusing and also gets annoying.

I don’t have any problem with nihilism. I don’t really have a problem for making a movie about the randomness of life. I do have a problem with stringing together a random sequence of events that takes off willy-nilly just because you can. Actions, believe it or not, have consequences. They don’t occur in a vacuum and the best movies understand that. While I appreciate the sense of silliness and the courage to try something completely different, at the end of the day I wound up not connecting to this and just kind of enduring it as it came to its end. I need a little bit more from my Art.

WHY RENT THIS: Clever idea.

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: Lacks in execution. The black comedy and horror elements don’t mesh well. At the end of the day more pretentious than outrageous.

FAMILY VALUES: There is a good deal of violence, plenty of foul language and some twisted situations that have an underlying sexuality.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Quinn, who plays one of the spectators here, also played a Scanner in Scanner Cop who was able to blow up people’s heads with the power of his mind as the tire does here.

NOTABLE HOME VIDEO EXTRAS: There is an interview with Dupieux conducted by a blow-up sex doll. Of course.

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $100,370 on an unreported production budget; I think it might have made a profit but more likely broke even.

COMPARISON SHOPPING: Howard the Duck (seriously, I couldn’t think of a single movie remotely like this).

FINAL RATING: 4/10

NEXT: Klown