The Christmas Chronicles

He sees you when you’re sleeping…

(2018) Holiday (Netflix) Kurt Russell, Darby Camp, Judah Lewis, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Steven van Zandt, Oliver Hudson, Vella Lovell, Jameson Kraemer, Solla Park, Seth Mohan, Kayla Lakhani, Glen McDonald, Danielle Bourgon, Tony Nappo, Martin Roach, Lamorne Morris, Marc Ribler, Jeff Teravainen, Elizabeth Phoenix Caro, JaQuita May. Directed by Clay Kaytis

 

Every year at Christmas time there is a plethora of made-for-TV Christmas films that generally are barely tolerable. Once upon a time though, major studios made Christmas films that were heartwarming, sent a positive message and were actually entertaining but frankly, there hasn’t been one like that in the multiplexes since Elf.

Netflix has the last couple of years looked to fill that gap, with this being the crown jewel in this year’s crop of four or five Christmas releases. It has a big star, a well-known name in family filmmaking behind the camera (producer Chris Columbus) and a fairly big budget for effects and such. Does this have the makings of a Christmas perennial?

Through a series of home movies we are introduced to the Pierce family. Doug (Hudson), a firefighter, is one of those guys who puts a ton of effort into Christmas. His kids adore him and his wife is head over heels for him. Firefighting is, sadly, a very dangerous occupation and one year Dad is not there at Christmas. His wife Claire (Williams-Paisley) works in the local Emergency Room and on Christmas Eve she’s called in to cover a shift. Times being what they are – single moms need to work all the shifts they can, particularly at Christmas – she puts teen Teddy (Lewis) in charge of moppet Kate (Camp) and off sh goes to earn a living.

Kate still believes in Santa Claus which Teddy finds to be an eye-rolling mess. Teddy has fallen in with a bad crowd and is doing some underage drinking and worse, stealing cars. Kate clings to Dad’s massively outdated camcorder like Linus clings to his security blanket. She manages to convince Teddy – who against all odds decides to stay and babysit rather than go out with his friends as he’d planned to – to set up the camera to catch Santa in the act. To Teddy’s absolute shock, they do.

Going outside to get a better look at the magical sleigh, the two are accidentally taken along when Santa (Russell) takes off for his next destination. When he discovers the stowaways, he is taken by surprise and in the process loses his magic hat (which allows him to deliver presents at lightning sped), his sack of presents, the flying reindeer and the sleigh itself which crashes to Earth – in Chicago. Had Alex Jones made this movie, Santa would have had to be packing in order to make it out alive.

In any case the two kids responsible for Santa’s nightmare have to help him reclaim all his items and deliver the presents before dawn or else Christmas spirit would be drained from the world. The last time that happened, Santa tells us, the Dark Ages ensued. Somebody needs to tell Santa that there’s a good chance that the Second Dark Ages have already begun.

On the way to rescuing Christmas Santa gets arrested (!) and performs a blues musical number with Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul in the jailhouse (!!) while Kate scrambles to find the elves who turn out to be Minion-like merchandising opportunities creatures who speak in an unintelligible language. But can these two kids help Santa save Christmas – and can Santa save this family in crisis? Duh – it’s Christmas!

Russell was an inspired choice for St. Nick. He’s not the jolly old geezer that we’ve seen in past films, nor the hot mess that Tim Allen made him to be. This Santa is a straight shooter, a bit rough around the edges and well, some female reviewers have taken to calling him “hot Santa” which was enough to curl the mistletoe in my home.

As a counterpoint though are the two children. The performers are okay but they needed to be more than that to carry this film, which ends up being a Kurt Russell-fest because of it. Not that it’s a bad thing mind you but the film spends a lot of time following the kids and quite frankly you don’t want to spend a lot of time with them after the first few minutes. Kate’s actions imperil Christmas but there are no repercussions, no remorse really on her end; it’s just “they made a mess and it got cleaned up so everything’s copacetic.” Worse, there are absolutely no consequences for Teddy’s crimes which is criminal for a family film, and in fact Santa participates in a carjacking himself! It’s enough to make an elf burst into tears.

The special effects lack the wow factor of previous Santa-themed Christmas films and the stock aerial footage looks outdated. Much of the action is fairly predictable and rote and while the blues number seems a bit against the grain, it’s actually one of the best moments in the film overall – Russell really brings it. Still, it really doesn’t hold up to the Christmas movies that we tend to watch year after year. This one might get an occasional viewing once you’ve seen it once but even the least discerning Netflix viewers will probably think twice about a second streaming session but Russell’s performance is worth viewing at least once.

REASONS TO GO: Russell makes for a terrific Santa.
REASONS TO STAY: Parents might want to consider the message the film is sending.
FAMILY VALUES: There is some mild profanity and kid mischief.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Kurt Russell grew his beard out for the role; that’s actually his hair and beard he’s wearing as Santa, not an appliance.
BEYOND THE THEATERS: Netflix
CRITICAL MASS: As of 1/8/19: Rotten Tomatoes: 70% positive reviews: Metacritic: 52/100.
COMPARISON SHOPPING: The Santa Clause
FINAL RATING: 6/10
NEXT: Lasso

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Legion

It's never a good idea to cross Paul Bettany.

(2010) Supernatural Horror (Screen Gems) Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Tyrese Gibson, Jon Tenney, Charles S. Dutton, Lucas Black, Adrianne Palicki, Doug Jones, Kevin Durand, Kate Walsh, Willa Holland. Directed by Scott Stewart

Sometimes you have to wonder what God thinks of His creations when He considers war, terror, pollution, greed and all the myriad horrible things we do to one another. You have to wonder if at any point He is going to give up on us.

The angel Michael has pleaded the case of the humans, and failed. God has decided that the Flood was a warning not heeded; He wants the human race deleted. The angels will be His weapons of mass destruction.

Michael, however, disagrees with His decision. He believes that God has forgotten about such things as mercy, compassion and forgiveness in His zeal for retribution. It’s somehow comforting that God is actually a heartbroken teenager.

Michael decides to renounce his angelic status by amputating his wings and removing the collar which is, apparently, his halo. He makes a stop at the local gun store where he fills a bag full of automatic weapons and enough ammo to stave off Armageddon. Well, almost.

He steals a police car and heads out to an isolated diner in the middle of the desert. There works Charlie (Palicki), a waitress who happens to be pregnant. She works for Bob (Quaid) whose nephew Jeep (Black) is sweet on Charlie but is not the dad. So there works Percy (Dutton), a line cook with a caustic sense of humor.

Enjoying the cuisine is Kyle (Gibson), a badass from L.A.; the Anderson family – dad Howard (Tenney), wife Sandra (Walsh) and daughter Audrey (Holland) and an adorable old lady  Like adorable old ladies the world over, she notices Charlie’s pregnancy. Unlike most adorable old ladies, she turns into a spider-like demon with homicidal intent.

Into this situation comes Michael, who informs the suitably astonished diner denizens that Charlie’s baby isn’t just any old baby; it’s the savior of mankind whom God now wants to bump off. Why God needs an army of humans who have been changed by angels into demons to kill a single baby is something of a mystery – apparently God doesn’t like to get His hands dirty.

This leads to something of a Mexican standoff with the human race at stake. The odds are stacked against us – but that’s just the way we like it, right?

This is a plot of epic ineptitude. Very little of it makes organic sense and worse yet, it isn’t true to its own internal logic. That’s a deal killer most of the time in my book. The strange thing is, I actually liked this movie. Much more than I thought I was going to. There is actually some good stuff going on.

Bettany is an always-interesting actor who is always worth seeing even when he’s not at his best – as he is not at his best here. Still, he and Quaid who cuts loose with delicious scenery-chewing abandon make for good twin focuses for the film. While Palicki is a little bit bland for her role, Black does himself proud as the unrequited lover.

Part of the problem here is that Stewart seems undecided as to whether he wants to make a big action flick or a gruesome horror flick and winds up with kind of a mish mash that is neither. Also, much of the exposition is done by Bettany explaining things to his captive audience. Not only does this bring things to a grinding halt, it gets to be annoying.

I wish that Stewart spent more time doing the things that work best here. The horror scenes in particular are well done, such as the aforementioned adorable old lady spider demon, and later on, an elongated jaw ice cream man demon. The action sequences are pretty nice too, although a climactic battle between Michael and the Archangel Gabriel (Durand) is surprisingly unsatisfying.

Legion is the latest in a series of apocalyptic visions that don’t really turn out quite right. I like the idea of angels acting as exterminators, as perhaps sacrilegious as that is. Unfortunately, it was done better in The Prophecy – but it is done well enough here to earn a look.

WHY RENT THIS: Some nice action scenes here. Bettany and Quaid pull the wagon nicely. Demon scenes are pretty awesome.  

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: Too talky for a horror/action movie. One gets the impression the filmmakers couldn’t decide between intellectual horror and visceral horror and wound up with neither.

FAMILY VALUES: Lots of strong, brutal violence, some disturbing supernatural imagery and plenty of choice bad words.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: The tattoos on Michael are in Enochian, supposedly the language of angels recorded by John Dee and Edward Kelly in the 16^th century.

NOTABLE DVD EXTRAS: None listed.

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $67.9M on a $26M production budget; the movie made money.

FINAL RATING: 7/10

TOMORROW: Season of the Witch