It’s Not My Fault (And I Don’t Care Anyway)

This hideout could use a cleaning service.

(2017) Dramedy (108 Media) Alan Thicke, Quinton Aaron, Leah Doz, Valerie Planche, Reamonn Joshee, Jesse Lipscombe, Allen Belcourt, Orin McCusker, Tony Yee, Elisa Benzer, Kevin Hanchard, Norma Lewis, Trevor Schmidt, Hillary Warden, Julia LeConte, Amber Lewis, Christine Sokaymoh Frederick, Mark Sinongco, Donovan Workun, Matt Alden, Erica Ullyot. Directed by Christopher Craddock

 

In our current society, self-help has been taken to new heights. We have become so self-involved, so self-focused that we have stopped seeing ourselves as part of anything larger. We’ve become all about getting everything we can for ourselves and everyone else can go screw themselves. It’s not a society that is pretty.

Patrick Spencer (Thicke) is a self-help guru who has gotten rich preaching “me first” to the choir. Masses of people have bought his books and attended his speaking engagements all chanting his mantra “It’s not my fault and I don’t care anyway” like robots, a means of absolving themselves of responsibility for anything. Patrick, a former alcoholic, is really good at that.

His daughter Diana (Doz) can attest to that more than most. Her relationship with her Dad is a rocky one indeed. She watched her mother (Frederick) grow more and more morose until she divorced Patrick; once she got the divorce settlement that would allow Diana to live decently, she took her leave of this life. Diana turned to drugs and sex.

Brian Calhoun (Aaron) grew up with loving parents, although things ended badly for them. Brian is called “Giant Man” around the neighborhood (not a terribly imaginative nickname) for his size which is impressive. It also comes with a price; Brian knows that his lifespan will be much shorter than most. Alone and miserable, Brian becomes a heroin addict and his size brings him to the attention of Johnny Three Fingers (Lipscombe), a vicious drug dealer and crime boss. Johnny needs an intimidator, something his right hand men Moose (Belcourt) and Lil’ Charles (McCusker) aren’t really capable of.

But Lil’ Charles has been seeing Diana and discovers her daddy is rich. When Johnny finds out about this, he decides a kidnapping and ransom would be in order. What he failed to reckon with that Patrick is so self-centered that he refuses to pay a ransom for his daughter; if she dies, after all, it’s not his fault and he doesn’t care anyway.

The two cops assigned to the case, Detective Elizabeth Stone (Planche) and her partner Smitty (Joshee) are dumbfounded by this but nonetheless go about trying to solve the case and, hopefully, rescue Diana. Brian who is really a gentle giant however doesn’t want to see her get hurt and together the two come up with a plan but it is a dangerous one.

This Canadian film is one of the last appearances of the late Alan Thicke, who is best known for playing the dad in Growing Pains, a hit sitcom back in the 80s. This is a far different role than Dr. Jason Seaver was for him. In a lot of ways, it’s a very savvy character particularly attuned to the modern man. He’s very charming but not always likable and I suppose that’s what our society values these days. Craddock, who based this on his own one-man play, picked up on that nicely.

The film is essentially told in flashback by four of the main characters in a kind of confessional way. Patrick discusses the incident at one of his self-help speaking engagements. Diana talks about it at a sex addiction group therapy session. Brian tells his side of the story during a police interrogation after the act. Finally Detective Stone is interviewed about the story by a journalist (Benzer).

The most compelling story belongs to that of Brian and in all honesty Aaron is the most likable actor in the group (with all due respect to Thicke). Aaron, who most might remember playing Big Mike Oher in The Blind Side, has a very sweet nature and while it’s hard to believe him as a heroin addict he manages to make the part his own anyway. His story tended to be the one I enjoyed the most.

There is a wry tone to the humor which is rather dry and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing; I enjoy the change of pace from most of the comedies we’ve been getting lately in which the humor is broad. However, it isn’t as funny as I would have liked and at times the energy is lacking. Part of the problem is that much of the film is static; we’re watching the characters sitting in chairs talking about the kidnapping and their lives up to that point.

This almost feels like a made for TV movie other than the graphic sex scene that comes out of nowhere and the fairly consistent use of profanity which one might expect from criminal sorts. Still, if you’re going to do that I think you need a little bit more punch. Not that there isn’t any – it’s just that there are so many talking head interludes that it disrupts the flow of the film.

Essentially this is available on VOD through various streaming services so that’s your best bet if you want to see this. It’s not a bad film but it isn’t very compelling either. I like that this is essentially about our move towards selfishness but it needed a bit more energy to make it work better.

REASONS TO GO: Aaron is a very compelling and likable performer. The humor is a little drier than usual which is quite welcome.
REASONS TO STAY: At times, the film gets a little bit too maudlin. The energy is missing at times.
FAMILY VALUES: There is plenty of profanity, some fairly graphic violence, some sexuality, drug use and nudity.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Both Thicke and Lipscombe penned and performed tunes on the soundtrack.
BEYOND THE THEATERS: Amazon, Google Play, iTunes, Vimeo, Vudu, YouTube
CRITICAL MASS: As of 3/17/17: Rotten Tomatoes: No score yet. Metacritic: No score yet.
COMPARISON SHOPPING: Ruthless People
FINAL RATING: 5/10
NEXT: The Last Word

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John Dies at the End

You don’t want to use the soy sauce at THIS Chinese joint.

(2012) Horror (Magnet) Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes, Paul Giamatti, Clancy Brown, Glynn Turman, Doug Jones, Daniel Roebuck, Fabianne Therese, Jonny Weston, Jimmy Wong, Tai Bennett, Allison Weissman, Angus Scrimm, Prandihi Varshney, Riley Rose Critchlow, Helena Mehalis, Maria Mehalis. Directed by Don Coscarelli

The world is divided into two kinds of people; those who get John Dies at the End and those who don’t. Those who do appreciate fun for its own sake, and don’t mind a good genre mash-up. They don’t need a conventional narrative structure and are willing to sacrifice plot coherency for a good laugh…or a fiendishly fun gross-out. They are the sorts who read webcomics religiously, are students of pop culture, think Arrested Development just might be the best television show ever made, don’t mind staying up 36 straight hours playing a good videogame or occasionally partake of a little recreational drug use. Or perhaps all of the above.

David Wong (Williamson) – who isn’t Chinese; he just changed his name to make it harder to find him – meets with reporter Arnie Blondestone (Giamatti) – who isn’t blonde – in a Chinese restaurant. David and his partner John (Mayes) are a kind of demonic Ghostbusters if you will. They’re nearly as well known in the community as Dr. Albert Marconi (Brown) and Arnie wants to get their story.

But David’s story is not the usual kind. David and John have been using a drug with the street name of soy sauce because of its appearance. However this is one of those drugs that you don’t choose, it chooses you. Some people ingest it and become…altered. For David and John however, they develop some rudimentary psychic powers like the ability to read minds, see the future, communicate with the dead and more importantly see demonic presences that the ordinary living can’t detect.

Basically, what’s going on is that there is a biological supercomputer in an alternate universe that wants to break into our universe and take over since it already reigns supreme where it lives. I guess even near-omnipotent biological supercomputers get bored too. Anyway it, and the people that it controls, have been trying to break into our dimension for decades without success but now that David and John have actually done it, the computer wants to know how they did it and is willing to do whatever it takes to get that knowledge. For David and John’s part they’d much rather be sleeping.

That’s a very rudimentary outline of the plot and doesn’t really give you too much of a sense of the real lunacy going on. Based on the book by the same name by David Wong (who is the pseudonym of Jason Pargin), the movie has all the genre-bending fun from the novel coupled with the visual sense of Coscarelli who some might remember as the man who gave us the Phantasm movies as well as the cult hit Bubba Ho-Tep. As you can tell from his resume, this kind of thing is right in his wheelhouse.

Some will find a bit of glee in trying to determine which other movies this most resembles. For example, it has the philosophical sci-fi ramblings of a Donnie Darko but also the hip quotient of a Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. There’s the roller coaster gore quotient of Army of Darkness and the trans-dimensional goof of Big Trouble in Little China. I could go on but you get the picture.

Williamson and Mayes make a good team. The chemistry is right there between them, two longtime friends who often speak in their own code (brought to ridiculous levels) but are nonetheless insanely loyal to each other. Their banter is realistic and makes the relationship and bond between them seem more natural and organic.

They get some decent support as well. Turman is good as a philosophical police detective who knows a lot more than he wants to know, while Brown plays a kind of Eurotrash self-help book author who has a beautiful entourage but doesn’t just talk the talk. I was also kind of fond of Weston as a hip-hop talking gangsta who is lily-white and looks and sounds ridiculous but doesn’t know it; you see a lot of those sorts on TV and in real life and it’s nice to see someone acknowledge that it’s moronic even though it’s probably not politically correct to do so. Le sigh.

The effects are mostly practical and a bit old school but they still work. Some of them are pretty nifty, like the police officer’s moustache that abruptly comes to life and starts fluttering about the room like a butterfly, or a freezer full of meat that assembles to become a meat monster (okay, that one was a bit cheesy I’ll grant you).

This one’s a roller coaster ride through current slacker culture and if there’s a complaint to be had, it’s that this is probably not a movie that’s going to age well and will be likely viewed as a product of its time as movies that cater to youth culture inevitably do. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyed for what it is in the here and now, nor does it mean that it doesn’t excel at what it is aiming for. This isn’t exactly fun for the whole family – some people are simply not going to get it and truthfully they’re probably never going to get it – but that doesn’t mean that those who do shouldn’t get the pleasure of knowing they’re one of the club.

REASONS TO GO: One hell of a mindf*ck. Psychedelic horror that refuses to take itself seriously. Imaginative visuals and fun throughout.

REASONS TO STAY: May freak one’s freak a little too much. Some may find the story confusing and convoluted.

FAMILY VALUES:  There’s a whole lot of violence and gore, plenty of bad language,  a scene or two of nudity and plenty of drug content.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: According to the FedEx package that John sends himself at the mall, his full name is John Cheese.

CRITICAL MASS: As of 3/25/13: Rotten Tomatoes: 60% positive reviews. Metacritic: 53/100; the reviews are decidedly mixed.

COMPARISON SHOPPING: Cabin in the Woods

FINAL RATING: 8/10

NEXT: Olympus Has Fallen

Saw 3D

Betsy Russell goes on the Saw workout with remarkable results.

(2010) Horror (Lionsgate) Tobin Bell, Cary Elwes, Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Sean Patrick Flanery, Chad Donella, Gina Holden, Laurence Anthony, Dean Armstrong, Naomi Snieckus, Rebecca Marshall, James van Patten, Anne Greene. Directed by Kevin Greutert

This is a film that visibly demonstrates the virtues of leaving while you’re on top. But the question is, is this franchise doing that or going out with a whimper?

Again, because of the possibility of spoilers for previous films in the series that you may not have seen and might want to (trust me, the series goes down a bit better if you know the mythology front to back). The apprentice of Jigsaw (Bell) has escaped the trap of Jigsaw’s wife (Russell) who now goes to the police in the person of Detective Matt Gibson (Donella).

In the meantime the apprentice is setting his sights on Bobby Dagen (Flanery), a survivor from a previous Jigsaw trap who has written a self-help book on the subject and has become the flavor of the week more or less. In the meantime, the police once again think they’re closing in – but when the fur flies, the body count will rise and the end comes thanks to a surprise character from the first movie who turns out to be the most surprising twist of all.

Greutert, who had hoped to direct Paranormal Activity 2 but was forced to direct this due to a contractual obligation, continues the formula that has sustained this series through seven films and the wear and tear is beginning to show. There is nothing here that really differentiates it from the other films in the series.

Part of my issue with the film is that there was never much doubt about what the outcome was going to be with each individual trap. Greutert would ratchet up the suspense but then well, you get the picture. This happens with each and every trap without fail. It would have been nice if there had been at least a smidgeon of a possibility that someone would get away but by the last few traps it was just a matter of waiting for the damn thing to go off.

The cast here is solid as always, although as with all the Saw films after the third one, it sorely misses Jigsaw as a contemporary force. Like the last three movies, the seventh movie only shows Jigsaw in flashback and thus the movie is robbed of its most interesting character. Elwes, the best-known of the cast, reprises his role from the first film in what is essentially an extended cameo. He looks a little embarrassed to be there, to be honest. Hope the paycheck was good.

Props must be given to the producers for not going the cheap route and doing this in 3D conversion; it’s actually filmed in 3D and the effects for such are pretty amazing. However be aware that those 3D home video sets that use the darker glasses, the movie is pretty dimly lit to begin with and you might have trouble seeing some of the things going on.

I admit there is a vicarious thrill in watching people get offed in such fiendishly clever ways, and usually the victims deserve their fates although the two-timing wench from the movie’s prologue might have received a somewhat extreme punishment for her crime. Still, the franchise has undoubtedly run out of steam and while seeing the surviving victims from past movies come together in a support group session was one of the movie’s highlights, this is definitely a series that is ready to at the very least take a long break and regroup, if not sail off into the sunset altogether.

WHY RENT THIS: Lots of blasts from the past. This is supposed to conclude the franchise so if you followed it this far…

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: Not a very satisfying conclusion and a bit of a letdown. The traps lack any kind of suspense.

FAMILY VALUES: There is violence and blood and torture and bad language but no sexuality to speak of.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT: Was the second straight film in the series to feature a winner of the “Scream Queens” reality television series in a featured role; Gabby West here, Tanedra Howard (who also appears here) in Saw VI.

NOTABLE DVD EXTRAS: The Blu-Ray edition has a featurette on every trap from every film in the series – all 52 of them.

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $136.2M on a $20M production budget; the movie was a blockbuster.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

TOMORROW: The Six Days of Darkness concludes!

Bless the Child

I'd look worried too if I had the lead in this movie.

(2000) Horror (Paramount) Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Holliston Coleman, Rufus Sewell, Angela Bettis, Christina Ricci, Michael Gaston, Lumi Cavazos, Ian Holm, Eugene Lipinski, Leeza Gibbons, Dimitra Arlys, Anne Betancourt, Helen Stenborg. Directed by Chuck Russell

When you’re a Roman Catholic, you can go to an occult-oriented movie with a certain degree of smugness. After all, nobody knows the Devil like us Catholics. We’ve got the exorcisms to prove it.

Hollywood knows this. Therefore, a whole lot of their devil flicks are liberally steeped in what I call the Catholic experience. Lots of statues, paintings of Christ’s agony, aging priests (often with deformities or disabilities) and a whole lot of gobbledygook about how the world will end. I, being Catholic born and Catholic bred, love every minute of it, although I can’t possibly imagine my old high school guidance counselor Father Campanella taking on Satan mano a mano. It’s just too much of a stretch.

In this one, Maggie O’Connor (Basinger) is minding her own business one night when her junkie sister (Bettis) shows up on her doorstep, newborn baby in hand. And before you can say “Whaaaasssssuppppppp?” she’s gone, leaving Maggie with the baby. Of course, everyone who’s ever seen an occult flick before knows that this is Not An Ordinary Child.

Years later, the NAOC (Coleman) is displaying signs of autism (although for an autistic child she’s awfully expressive). But she’s also showing her NAOC-ness by causing objects to move about of their own accord, and bringing the occasional critter back to life. This brings her to the attention of Eric Stark (Sewell), a self-help guru and a rather nasty cult leader in his spare time.

Turns out that he’s been searching for a specific child who, in the future, will lead people to God. Turns out he’s been murdering innocent children in a ritualistic fashion to find the specific NAOC he is looking for. Turns out he’s married the junkie sister just to get to the NAOC. Turns out that the nasty cult leader is a bit cozier to Beelzebub than he is to the Almighty. Turns out the FBI Investigator (Smits) who was called in to investigate the child murders is in way over his head, as is O’Connor (remember her?). That’s a whole lot of coinkydinks, don’t you think?

I think. Part of what makes this movie an epic fail is that it relies too much on serendipity. There’s no organic flow to the plot; characters exist just to explain something that is going to be meaningful three scenes later, or three scenes previously. The script lacks clarity and subtlety.

You’d never guess that Basinger won an Oscar just three short years earlier. She sleepwalks her way through the part, although to be fair it ain’t much of a part. Maggie is a strong-willed, independent woman which the filmmakers took to mean “ignorant, stubborn hothead” and she often quite incomprehensibly gets herself into situations no sane person would even consider without calling in the National Guard first. Frankly, if my kid were kidnapped by a whacked-out Satanist, I’d be calling the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, cops, Guardian Angels and Johnny Cochran before I’d go into the lion’s den by myself. What would horror movies do without stupid people acting stupidly?

Of course, the ludicrous scale doesn’t really factor in to horror movies — common sense is supposed to take a back seat to a good scare. And that’s what this movie really lacks. I’ll admit, Da Queen jumped once, but I think she was more frightened by the teen-age girls sitting two rows behind us more than anything. In fact, if you REALLY want a good scare, try reading the political coverage in the local papers. Despite valiant efforts by Smits and Sewell, and a couple of good supporting role turns by Christina Ricci and Ian Holm, Bless the Child is more of a snooze than a scare.

WHY RENT THIS: There are  few decent performances here.

WHY RENT SOMETHING ELSE: A horror movie that isn’t particularly scary. Basinger sleepwalks through a role that is plainly beneath her. Too many coincidences.

FAMILY MATTERS: There’s quite a bit of violence, some drug use and a few foul words here and there. There is also some scenes of children in jeopardy and a few disturbing images.

TRIVIAL PURSUITS: The line “the devil’s greatest trick was convincing mankind he doesn’t exist” is a reference to a similar line penned by the French poet Charles Baudelaire “La plus belle des ruses du Diable est de vous persuader qu’il n’existe pas!”

NOTABLE DVD FEATURES: None listed.

BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE: $40M on  $65M production budget; the movie was a flop.

FINAL RATING: 3/10

TOMORROW: Hancock